Cast of Characters
Hazel Tellington
“The Lush”
Secret skill: English degree, hahaha.
Secret weapon: Disdain.
Her secret: She actually likes you.
Jamie McJack
“The Rack”
Secret skill: It’s no secret.
Secret weapon: Tank tops.
Her secret: Mystery romance novels.
McPedro
“The Talking Irish SCIRISH Cactus”
Secret skill: Can drink heavily, despite being a cactus.
Secret weapon: His charming accent.
His secret: Gay French mustache.
Jameson
“The Hot Barista”
Secret skill: Can and will guess your favorite drink.
Secret weapon: French press + thermometer + timer = perfect.
His secret: He’s sensitive.
Clarice
“Domme Librarian”
Secret skill: Can guess condom size correctly 90% of the time.
Secret weapon: Scowl Of Doom.
Her secret: Saturday evening domination.
Maureen
“The Blog Girl”
(Married to Jameson)
Secret skill: She types faster than you.
Secret weapon: Wrist brace.
Her secret: She kind of enjoys forum drama.
Candy
“The Carnivore”
Secret skill: Ruining everything.
Secret weapon: Meat.
Her secret: She’s just lonely.
Chris
“The Pirate”
Secret skill: Falling in love with everyone.
Secret weapon: Eye patch.
His secret: He likes this girl, see...
Zach
“The Studly Cabbie”
(attached to Hazel)
Secret skill: He’s everybody’s DD.
Secret weapon: A ratchet set and his car manual.
His secret: He’s even nicer than you think.
Thea
“The Lonely Lesbian”
Secret skill: Memorizes the new AP style every year.
Secret weapon: Red pen, bookish charm.
Her secret: She would really like a goddamn girlfriend.
Erin
… not “Aaron.”
(Jamie’s girlfriend… right?)
Secret skill: Turning frowns upside-down!
Secret weapon: Adorable freckled blush.
Her secret: She’s not so sure about sex.
Darren
“Lady in Disguise”
Secret skill: Six-inch heels.
Secret weapon: Barbasol, lots of it.
His secret: He’s doing Kegels right now.
Angel
“The Magical Bartender”
Secret skill: A drink for every occasion!
Secret weapon: Top-shelf vodka and limes.
Her secret: Monogamous relationships bore her.
Melody
“The Quiet Genius”
(Chris’s girlfriend)
Secret skill: Lip-reading.
Secret weapon: Limitless texting plan.
Her secret: She’s too smart for you.
Jim
“That Guy”
Secret skill: Driving off women.
Secret weapon: Height. He can see you from a mile away.
His secret: He’s even less experienced than you think.
Tyler
“BOOOOOOBIES”
Secret skill: Ability to weird out grown women.
Secret weapon: His graphing calculator.
His secret: Sex terrifies him. (He still likes boobies, though.)
Fluffy
Jamie’s bosom kitty
Secret skill: Making a cleavage bed.
Secret weapon: Something with fire.
Her secret: Keep your claws tucked in, always look cross-eyed.
Sprinkles
Hazel’s insane kitty
Secret skill: Making stars come out of her head.
Secret weapon: “DOOOOOOOOM.”
Her secret: She hasn’t quite plotted out the doom yet.
ChooChoo Bear
“The Babydaddy”
Secret skill: Turning to goo and traveling through pipes.
Secret weapon: He’s pink and loveable.
His secret: He’s famous:
somethingpositive.net
Special K
“The Special One”
(Lives with Maureen and Jameson)
Secret skill: Too cute to ignore.
Secret weapon: Effed-up fangs.
His secret: He just wants to snuggle.
Robyn
Hazel’s cousin
Secret skill: Her mom is your aunt.
Secret weapon: Duct tape and beer.
Her secret: She comes from another planet, called All New Issues.
Mimi
“Lesbian on Wheels”
(Thea’s lady)<=
Secret skill: A mean step-check.
Secret weapon: Iron bones.
Her secret: Her job involves a lot of dick.
Maya
Thea’s sis
Secret skill: Shrugging off cancer.
Secret weapon: Costume jewelry.
Her secret: Having an adorable daughter gets you lots of free stuff.
Carol
Hazel’s mama
Secret skill: World’s best mac & cheese.
Secret weapon: Casserole dishes.
Her secret: Reading the new library releases before shelving them.